


Ceiling fans and idle hands (will take my life again)

by josh_u_r_dun



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-05-17 09:49:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5864563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/josh_u_r_dun/pseuds/josh_u_r_dun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My thoughts are loud and clear. I think i will be better off dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> If you are easily triggered please read carefully (or not at all)
> 
> I might add more chapters but you will never know until its done.  
> Do i have to tell you its not proof read anymore?

The guilt was over whelming. The thought of my family and, friends finding out, and Josh finding me put a stone in my stomach but I knew they would be better off without me. 

Tears rolled down my cheeks falling onto the paper. I looked down at the words I wrote and how they were smudged by a mixture of blood and tears. I folded the letter in half before placing it on the kitchen table with shaking hands. I pulled at my hair hoping it would make him stop.  
They will be better off without you, Tyler, you know that.  
“No, no, no, no, no, shut up, shut up!” I knew it was already too late but I had to try.  
You don’t deserve them, you’re just a burden. They are only still here because they are too nice to push you away.  
I started pacing back and forwards in the lounge, leaving a small trail of blood behind me.  
“Stop, Blurry, please,” I could feel him pulling me towards the rope.  
I know you can do it. You’ve done it before.  
I stood in front of it, closing my eyes and letting my hands do it by themselves. 

I stood on the chair looking up at the fan praying it was stable before placing my head through the loop. It was for the best, right? I wiped away my face to get rid of any tears then finding that they get replaced with new ones. I took one last uneven breath before I kicked the chair out from under me.  
I regretted it almost instantly.

I fell, all my weight being put onto my neck. My lungs burnt and my heart was pounding in my ears. I didn’t want to die. Not like this. I gasped for breath, trying to pull myself up on the rope. Everything became muffled and my lungs felt as if they were going to burst. I wasn’t ready for this and blurry had just left. Dark patches had made their way into my vision. I began to feel as if I was starting to float. I heard the door click open and Josh step inside.  
“I’m back.” I closed my eyes gathering all the strength I had left.  
“Help,” it wasn’t loud but he heard it. I heard his footsteps come closer before the darkness swallowed me.


	2. For Josh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So it's basically Josh and Ty in the hospital. Yup.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!  
> If you are easily triggered please read carefully (or not at all)
> 
> So I had writers block so this might suck. Sorry.  
> Do I even have to say it's not proof read?

I woke up when someone held my hand, and rubbed small circles into the back off it. I kept my eyes closed and breaths even; enjoying the peace. We stayed like this for awhile before; Josh quietly started talking to me. He told me about what had happened on the way to getting lunch and the convocations he had overheard before telling me how much I meant to him and how he loved me. I don’t know how much time passed before he paused.  
“Hey, Ty, I’m gonna go home and shower. I’ll be right back okay?” I squeezed his hand lightly, letting him know I was there. I kept my eyes closed but I felt him stop moving.  
“Ty?” His grip tightened on my hand. I slowly opened my eyes; letting the white room blind me.  
“I’m sorry,” he stared at me me blankly for a few seconds before bursting into tears and wrapping his arms around me. I pulled him closer to me, hoping that it might comfort him in someway. We stayed like this until he called the nurse who made him leave the room.

When the nurse, Jenna, left I was alone. I now had enough time to take in my surroundings. Everything was a harsh white except from the equipment that sat around me, there was a brown chair next to my bed that used, and a sink across the room. It was very quiet in my room, there was no sound apart from the beeps of my heart monitor and the muffled talking from outside. I slowly grew bored of my surroundings and slipped into my thoughts.

I must have fallen asleep at some point because when I woke up, and Josh was asleep next to me. I watched him; he looked so peaceful and calm when he slept. That's when it hit me. How could I do this to him? The nurse had told me that in the two weeks I had been out for, he had only left my side when she threatened to not let him back in if he didn't eat or shower. I had put him through two weeks of hell because I was selfish and called for help. I felt numb. I had put him through so much, I don't deserve him.  
_You're right, you don't deserve him; you never did. Not that he actually loves you or anything..._  
"Stop, stop, stop please, Blurry," I hit my head against a table I had managed to pull over my bed. I felt hands on my shoulders, pulling me back down onto the bed.  
"Ty, hey, it's okay,"I looked over at a very concerned, Josh , who reached out and genitally kissed my forehead; mumbling something about it leaving a mark.  
"Sorry," I looked down, hoping he wouldn't be angry.  
"It's okay, Ty, I'm not mad," he rubbed my arm lightly; over the bandages, "when I was outside the doctor told me they could release you soon," He smiled down at me.  
"Really?" even though I had not be in this room for long (awake) the thought of leaving excited me.  
"Yeah, he said with in a few days," I grinned up at him.  
_Then you can finish the job. Actually end it this time._  
No. I have to keep living. For, Josh.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made this chapter for a fren that requested it (sorry its late).  
> And if you wanna talk (it can about anything) my tumblr is josh-u-r-dun. I don't bite. I might. Just dont startle me and you'll be fine.
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated and so is constructive criticism  
> And well done for making it to the bottom xx


	3. A dream come true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When things start looking up,  
> So do you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> Don't read of easliy triggered  
> Stay safe frens
> 
> This is not proof read and it is currently 12:20am so sorry if it's horrible

I had been home for around a week and, Josh, had finally let his guard down a little. Not fully, just a little. This meant ~~no~~  less check ups when I spent more than five seconds in the bathroom, which meant ~~no~~  less conversations that want something like: 

“You okay in there, Tyler?”

“Yes, Josh, I'm fine.”

Silence.

“What are you doing?”

“I'm trying to urinate, Joshua, and I can't do that when you're listening.” 

“Oh, sorry.”

But when I leave I would find a very anxious, Josh, pacing in the lounge.

\--------

After a month of being home the daily checks of my arms, stomach, and legs had become less frequent. He still got concerned over tiny scratches I had got from the cat, but the checks only happened two to three times a week. 

He had also almost stopped checking on me in the bathroom (only when he knew, Blurry, was getting to me).

\--------

After three months he had almost stopped watching me eat (every third day he would watch me eat dinner and monitor me afterwards).

He now only checked for self harm once or twice every two weeks.

Things like knives had found their way back into the draws.

\--------

After six months, things started looking up. I wasn't fine, good, or even okay, but I was getting there. Josh still told me I was beautiful, and that he loved me everynight.

He only checked me occasionally, just to make sure I hadn't started hurting myself again.

The pills now lived in the kitchen.

\--------

After ten months of being home I was no longer lying when I said I was fine or okay. I was getting better.

He seemed to think so too, I no longer had self harm checks, monitored eating sessions or bathroom check ups.

Blurry had also become quiet; he was almost never there.

\--------

After a year of being at home I had taken my last therapy session. 

Josh now trusted me with everything and no long checked on me. I didn't need it. I was better.

\--------

One year, three months of being home and I have set a date.

\--------

And now. One and a half years of being home, I'm sitting in the bathtub surrounded by pills and an array of sharp objects. It's just past midnight and everything fell apart. But who actually thought I could be fixed?

Three months ago I told myself that if things didn't get better I would end it. So that's what I'm doing. I have always fantasized about dying. So I guess you  could say, it's a dream come true.

 

I opened the first bottle of pills, and emptied it into my mouth. They tasted vaguely of blood when I swallowed them. 

I dug the blade into my arms and legs, letting the blood seep through my clothes. I looked over at the counter making sure, Josh, would find my letter easily. 

He needed to know I was sorry and loved him.

My hand started to shake and my eyes were no longer focusing. It felt as if a weight was being taken off my shoulders, knowing the end was near. 

I could no longer hold anything, and everything was slightly darker, like one of the lights had blown. I felt heavy but in a good way. It was as if I was getting into bed after a long day. 

It felt safe.

I thought about my letter. Was enough for him to understand?

I closed my eyes.

\--------

_ You can tuck me into bed one last time, but instead of blankets, you’ll use dirt.  _

_ Goodnight Josh, _

_ I'll see you later, _

_ I love you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it was good
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated  
> And thank you to these who have left them
> 
> I might start taking prompts so if you have any ideas send them to me somehow
> 
> Tumblr: josh-u-r-dun
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed

**Author's Note:**

> yeah... sorry not sorry  
> I dont know how sad that actually was but i feel horrible doing that to him.
> 
> (most of this was written at 1am)


End file.
